Surrender

 

 9-21-20

Surrender: the action of yielding one's person or giving up the possession of something especially into the power of another

Recently, it is hard for a day to pass by where I am not amazed by where I am at in my life. Not that things are perfect. In fact, things are far from how I want them to be. But when I look back, I see God’s hand. I see His grace and it takes my breath away. There were so many times when I thought my narrative was over. Life seemed bleak. I seemed hopeless. The problems loomed above me like monsters. All I wanted was to close my eyes and be gone from my surroundings. I wanted to be away from the pain. I wanted to stop seeing all the turmoil of life around me. I wanted to step out of my skin. “It would be so much easier”, I thought, "if I could distance myself from myself” My failure seemed so final and I wanted to punish myself for my wrongs. “Why God?” was my constant questioning, “Why would you make me? When all I do is let you down?”

But then God's love, like a steady strength, would come over me. It enveloped me with a warmth of belonging. I did not have to fight to be someone I was not. I did not need to change myself to be who someone else wanted me to be. Instead, I could be exactly who I was then: a sinner in need of God’s mercy and a child of God who needed His redeeming power in my life. I could come to Him for forgiveness, and that forgiveness was more than enough to cover everything.

I wish I could say after one instance of hope in Christ it is sunshine and rainbows. But that is the thing about our Savior. He is not someone you need on Monday’s but not on Friday’s. His relationship is not one that you only go to occasionally when you really need Him. And oh, how I needed Him. Every time I fell, every time I messed up, eventually I returned to Him. I saw Him and I knew that it was okay that I was not perfect. But God is more than mercy. He does not just want me when I am down. He wants all of me, all the time. He wants the happy me, sad me, angry me, funny me, afraid me. I do not have to be "perfect" before coming to Him, before talking to Him, or before meditating on His word. All I need to do is to repent of my faults, accept His forgiveness, and strive to be more like Him. That journey is a challenge. In the past, lies have come up like a fountain—constant and flowing. “I don’t deserve this grace.” “I will never be good enough so I might as well stop now.” “Everyone else has it easier than I do.” “I took it too far, God can’t love me now. No one can.” “All I do is disappoint people.” “I can’t go on.” “This mountain is too big.”

I think it was in these moments that I truly grew. I admit that sometimes they were breaking points. But God takes people, even if they are in pieces. But in these moments, when you finally admit that you are nothing without God, that is when you have to make a choice. Because you cannot do anything besides turn to His truth or continue in your own truth. As faulty as your own truth may be. I often went back and forth between the two, more consistently falling into my own mentality of how I thought things were. Thankfully, at the points it really mattered I chose God’s truth. I recognized that I had more life to live. I saw the potential ahead of me. And even if not always for the right reasons, I decided to continue. Now, looking back at my life and all these flickers of moments, I see the bigger picture. I see how God moved in my life. Even if I did not always turn to Him fully as I should have, He always reached out to me. He put people in my life to encourage me. He reminded me of His promises to strengthen me. He kept me going. He kept me alive.

If I have learned one thing from all the years of highs and lows it is that I am here for a reason and have a purpose.  I know this not only because of my value in Christ, but because of the clear examples I have seen of Him working in my heart and my life. If He did not leave me then, why would He leave me now? If He gave me everything I needed then, why should I doubt His provision now? He is there in every moment. All I have to do is understand and accept all that He offers.

 So now, I am ready and I am thankful. I am ready to love Christ so much that I make my relationship with Him my priority. I want to turn away from my selfishness and live a life that pleases Him. I am ready to leave behind the pain and all my regrets. This does not mean forgetting, but it does mean learning. It means understanding where I often go wrong and adjusting my life to avoid these areas of weakness. It is time to fully surrender myself to change. 

But above all, I am thankful. So thankful. He has held me every moment. When I turned away, He came after me. He never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. It is my turn to continually come after Him. Today, tomorrow, and forever. I will still fall. I will still doubt. I will stay fail. Probably a lot. But in the darkness, I will seek out my Light and direct my life towards the one who has saved my soul.